I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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