6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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