so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
