i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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