just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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