So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
