I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
