really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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