I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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