I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
