I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am mentally ready for anal.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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