Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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