That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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