he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
