either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
