My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
