In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
