batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
