Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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