he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
