it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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