I got chris browned last night
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
