Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
