So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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