$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
