He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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