I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
