Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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