Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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