I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
