My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You're like the curious george of whores
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
