Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
