Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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