Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
