sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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