Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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