I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
