when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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