Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hippo gnu deer
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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