I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
