all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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