every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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