Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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