I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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