I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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