it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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