we have pet lesbian snakes
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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