Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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