apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
