I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
