I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
