Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
