there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
