By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
